The last couple of weeks doesn't fit for me
Always woke up in the middle of the night
With no reason
Exhausted

Indeed, I have no problems to be solved
Have no trouble
Have no mistake
Have no left behind

Everything ok
But the ok condition seems not fine for me
It doesn't suits me
Geez...

Heart Garden

Each moment, I found my heart for him is deeper and stronger
It going somewhere I never been dare to imagine,
even I believe it would be heaven.

There's also sometimes i feel like I hate watching my heart grows.
It grows and blows unconditionally,
unexpectedly...

You know God,
if my heart was a garden,
It just enough for having healthy plants and leafs,
I don't want them grow fastly until they have colorful flowers.

I don't want my garden having flowers..
I couldn't deal with any flowers in my beautiful garden!
You know why?
Because flower dies quickly,
they will perish after magnifying my garden.
and the fall flowers will messing the yard.
They will demand hard efforts.

Strong plants with green leafs, are just fine for my garden,
keep it this way my Lord..

I'll pray everyday that, what I've own in my heart garden now,
will be just like today forever.

If my heart as the garden
And the flowers as the nerves
May You myLord,
never give me and him, that nerve...
Nerve to avoiding the reality of what we were,..
and what we've already had before we met ... before these days life

Cos those past realities,
are what made us still together and not die...
for a longer time.

If You do love us, if You do love this weak couple.
Please... God,
Do not flowering our garden.

Tibetian Personality Test

I got an interesting site from internet today, some kinda personality test.
http://www.wordofmouthexperiment.com/dedpyhto/tests/tibetian/index.htm

I gave it a shot, and one of my tibetian personality test result is top 5 priorities in my life ;

1: FAMILY
2: PRIDE
3: CAREER
4: LOVE
5: MONEY

I find something weird here...
Why my number 1 priority (family), was so far away from my number 4 priority (love)?
Shouldn't they both related?
If I put my family above all, it is because there's love in family, right?

Does the result means, that family is excluded love?
And love is not in family?
Why the two-words is separated?
Can we build a family without love?

Maybe Tibetians were define a family as a responsibility of a person. They despiting the essence of a family, called love.
So if the person priority in life is family, it means the person is a responsible person, not a loving person.

These times my thoughts are 'love is family and family is love'
But what I conclusing here 'family is just a responsibility, not love'.

What if someone has the test result like below ;

1: LOVE
2: PRIDE
3: CAREER
4: FAMILY
5: MONEY

Is that mean the person with this test result, is a loving person with lack of responsibilities in family?
Hhmm, what an egoistic person he/she is ya?... Prioriting LOVE instead of FAMILY...

Do you believe this silly personality test?.. Well, I dont.

Whatta perfect-spend-time-plan,
with a perfect-last-minute-reason to be canceled to...

Why sometimes reality won't be -in love-couple's side?
Is it true that sometimes realities are so cruel for people like them,
hates what they felt and jealous to their tight happiness?

May this 'there is no choice' term, wouldn't last any longer.
May soon this sacrifice end.

Maumu Mauku

Maumu jadi mauku
Pahitpun itu
Ku tersenyum

Maumu harus mauku
Sulitpun itu
Kupenuhi

Mauku tak penting lagi
Biar kubuat slalu
Bahagiamu

rumus pernikahan yg (mendekati) abadi

Banyak orang yg setuju, bahwa didunia ini tdk ada yg abadi.
Padahal yg namanya pernikahan itu harusnya abadi, tanpa perpisahan atau perceraian.
Jadi usahanya si pemeran dalam pernikahan itulah yg dibutuhkan utk bikin masing2 tetap 'on the right track'.
Usahanya macem2 ; ada yg punya anak, sering jalan/bulan madu, mencoba hal2 baru berdua, bahkan dgn cara berselingkuh dan menutupinya rapet2.

Sebenernya ada satu cara yg paling mudah dari usaha2 mengabadikan pernikahan,
tapi syaratnya cara ini harus dilakukan jauh sebelum kita memutuskan menikah.
Masalahnya masa sesaat sebelum kita memutuskan menikah adalah masa yg sgt sulit utk memikirkan rumus ini
Pikiran saat itu diliputi rasa cinta yg membuat ketidakcocokan 2 manusia menjadi mustahil.
Misalnya ketidak cocok nya usia, agama, strata sosial, tingkat emosi dsb, hilang ketutup rasa cinta pastinya.

So, balik ke rumus tadi. Ironis memang, disaat kita membutuhkan pemikiran paling rasional dlm hidup kita, dimasa itu pula rasa cinta mengalahkan logika.
Boro2 bisa pura2 ngrasa cinta itu gak ada, ngeliat matanya aja udah bikin kita pengen meluk terus.
Bagaimana bisa, saat kita sdg diliputi rasa cinta, kita harus membayangkan apakah dia orang yg paling bs menjadi teman hidup, apabila rasa cinta itu tidak ada lagi?
Apakah kita telah memilih orang yang tepat utk hidup bersama selamanya?

Jika rumus ; mencari pasangan yang tanpa rasa cintapun, bisa kita toleran utk hidup bersama selamanya sudah bisa kita lewatin. Bisa jadi masa pernikahan nantinya jadi masa yang paling enjoyable dari masa2 hidup sebelum menikah.
Dan bisa jadi kita tidak menganggap usaha2 mengabadikan pernikahan adalah beban hidup/perjuangan hidup yang harus dijalanin dgn berat.

Karena pernikahan itu dituntut HARUS abadi, sementara rasa cinta yg seyogyanya elemen perekat pernikahan itu sendiri, sangat TIDAK abadi.

Sometimes I don't recognize who the hell I am...

Feeling happy while my parents aren't,
Feeling lonely while everyone looking at me,
Feeling needy when every things there in front of me,

Feeling strong when God giving punishments,
Feeling weak when God giving His blesses...

Those contradictive and opposite feelings always made me re-thinking whats wrong with me.

And there's one of the most unanswered questions in my life.
It is ; why I feel my mind and body so 'dirty', when everytime I just came back from following my heart's words?

"Tingkat emosi seseorang berbanding terbalik dgn Pengetahuan nya tentang Kenyataan"
: Bertrand Russell, filsuf Inggris

'species' langka

Bahwa jenis hubungan manusia itu ter-nya-ta jumlahnya lebih banyak daripada jumlah species hewan di bumi ini.

Jenis = 'Species'
Kalau 'species' hubungan manusia berdasarkan darah sih gak perlu dibahas lahya...
Kita bahas salah satu 'species' hubungan manusia yg cukup mayoritas, yaitu 'species' yg lahir berdasarkan rasa cinta, let's say ; sex.

Didalamnya ada 2 yg dulu termasuk 'species' langka ;
1. Hubungan sex antara wanita (bersuami) yg usianya 2x lebih tua dari si pria lajang
2. Hubungan sex antara pria (yg sudah beristri 4) dgn wanita lajang yg usianya 1/3 dr si pria.

Lucunya, kebalikan dgn species hewan di dunia, yg dari langka biasanya kan berangsur punah,
Nah 2 'species' langka diatas, dari yg tadinya langka malah berangsur makin bertambah jumlahnya.

Anyway, pilihan kita cuma 2 tuh, kita tetap enjoy hidup berdampingan dgn 'species' langka manapun, atau kita berhenti saja hidup di dunia?

dedicated to my best friend...

In the 'he's just not into you' light movie,
a woman (jennifer aniston) talks straightly to her 7 years lovely but has a marriage phobia - boyfriend (ben affleck) :

'I love u and I want u, if having u is by not getting marriage for the rest of my life, so be that.
Cos these years I've been spent with u and to be loved by you, I feel more than a best 'wife' of a wonderful 'husband''

So, I think the insight of the story was, u don't have to push your already-strong relationship just to get some legitimition from others,
If u both already touch the beautiful sky together, don't make people around have rights to choose what's best for ur heart.