December 20, 2003

an email on 17.12.2003

Dear you,

I couldn't reach you yesterday so I decided to write to you. I guess you let your phone on the silent mode or something, or maybe not. Well, no big deal after all is it?

I would have been pleased to talk to you at least. I would have been even happier to see you of course but I guess it would have been…too much?

I do hope I did not freak you out yesterday night, really. I feel like I have been unable to control my personal envy to get closer to you and I shall apologize for this. You have definitely more "cold blood" than I have and I have to admire you for that. I have almost never been able to be "reasonable" when feelings come into play. I guess that even my last experience (the oneI told you about last night) did not even teach me how to deal with this after all. Either I am too much sensitive or maybe it is that I am somewhat immature in a sense. Could be this second option.

You really got a point yesterday when you told me that I was apparently very fast to fall in love with someone. You were obviously talking about your case without saying it. I did acquiesce on this 'cause I think you are right. However I do not "fall in love" with anybody neither. I do have my reasons. I do recognize when someone have feelings for me, and you do not even try to hide yours…

But it would be just a bit dumb to fall in love with someone because you can feel she likes you. I have been attracted to you since the first time and getting to know you did help me to develop these feelings.

I feel lucky about this in a way. I really wonder why I cannot even seduce someone in my country while some beautiful girl like you seem to be, indeed, seduced. By saying this I don't look for any pity from you, I just tell you things exactly how I feel them.

So many words to tell you things you already know hugh?

I am sorry. As you like to do sometimes, I needed to write this down and let you know about it. It is also because I couldn't talk to you today. I went through lot of thinking since you left…

I hope I did not act in a bad way yesterday. I wanted to see you again today as will want to see you tomorrow and so on. I only know that I will unfortunately have to leave on Saturday also and that I will have to wait for some time to have the chance to see you again. That is what makes all these feelings so….unreasonable… but that is certainly what makes them so strong also.

You apparently know how to deal with this kind of situation. I am less thoughtful and I just think that it is not fair and that I want to be able to let these feelings express themselves no wonder what comes in the following days, weeks and months. As I told you already I like to seize opportunities to be happy (for a moment) when it's possible (and I hell I was happy last night with you!). But I also know I am not showing you the respect you deserve while I am acting this.

I look forward to meet you on thursday night or on Friday night, or on both of them if you want to. You tell me Pink Panther! Ok?

Have a nice day,

*someone in France