!!

i'm not stupid,
i don't need to argue with u about that and about how u should respect me!

Help...

Im tired,
exhausted,
crawling in a place that i don't wanna exist...

I'm strongless,
melted,
like an ice on a hot plate...

Stood there without anybody holding my hand

I see myself fall down slowly
I see myself screaming loudlessly for a help

Help...

Setengah dari mengetahui apa yg kamu inginkan,
adalah pengetahuan tentang apa yg harus kamu korbankan
untuk mencapainya ; Sidney Howard.

Semakin sering kita bisa bangkit dr lumpur-lumpur yg berbeda,
semakin lebih 'berisi' dari yang tdk pernah berani masuk lumpur sama sekali.

James Harvey Robinson bilang : Keagungan hidup, jika dianalisa, sebagian besar adalah hasil dari mengawali keberanian...

Kalau keberanian nya dlm hal berbuat dosa, hasilnya bukan keagungan hidup kali ya?

Captured

If I could freeze a moment in my mind,
there would be U and I, captured.
with my hand in ur hand...

Tindakan Bodoh

Melakukan tindakan yg bodoh akan menimbulkan penyesalan...
Tapi penyesalan yg tiada akhir akan timbul ketika kita tidak pernah melakukan tindakan sama sekali,

Kadang tindakan bodoh sekalipun bisa menyelamatkan kita dari rasa sesal paling dalam.

Tindakan bodoh bahkan bisa menjawab dan membuat kita bangkit melanjutkan hidup..

...

He just so unsuitable for me,
like a square pack in a round hole.
It didn't fit at all...

Abis baca buku nya CS Lewis, jd belajar sesuatu...
bahwa,

Mencintai itu sesungguhnya memang membuat kita rentan.
Cintailah apa saja, dan kemudian kita jd merasakan sakit tersayat
bahkan mungkin hancur.
Bila kita takut hati sakit, takut hancur dan ingin selalu
memastikan bahwa hati kita tetap utuh, cobalah utk tdk memberikannya
kpd siapapun, bahkan kpd seekor hewan.
Bungkuslah ia dgn hati-hati dan hindari segala keterlibatan
Kuncilah dalam peti keegoisan kita dan jagalah oleh benteng yg kokoh.
Didalam peti itu -aman, tidak bergerak, tidak bersuara- ia akan berubah...
Menjadi keras, tak tertembus, tak terperbaiki.
Percayalah, hati pun berhak utk tdk dikekang.
Krn satu-satunya tempat selain surga dimana hati betul-betul aman dari bahaya cinta,
adalah neraka...

an email on 17.12.2003

Dear you,

I couldn't reach you yesterday so I decided to write to you. I guess you let your phone on the silent mode or something, or maybe not. Well, no big deal after all is it?

I would have been pleased to talk to you at least. I would have been even happier to see you of course but I guess it would have been…too much?

I do hope I did not freak you out yesterday night, really. I feel like I have been unable to control my personal envy to get closer to you and I shall apologize for this. You have definitely more "cold blood" than I have and I have to admire you for that. I have almost never been able to be "reasonable" when feelings come into play. I guess that even my last experience (the oneI told you about last night) did not even teach me how to deal with this after all. Either I am too much sensitive or maybe it is that I am somewhat immature in a sense. Could be this second option.

You really got a point yesterday when you told me that I was apparently very fast to fall in love with someone. You were obviously talking about your case without saying it. I did acquiesce on this 'cause I think you are right. However I do not "fall in love" with anybody neither. I do have my reasons. I do recognize when someone have feelings for me, and you do not even try to hide yours…

But it would be just a bit dumb to fall in love with someone because you can feel she likes you. I have been attracted to you since the first time and getting to know you did help me to develop these feelings.

I feel lucky about this in a way. I really wonder why I cannot even seduce someone in my country while some beautiful girl like you seem to be, indeed, seduced. By saying this I don't look for any pity from you, I just tell you things exactly how I feel them.

So many words to tell you things you already know hugh?

I am sorry. As you like to do sometimes, I needed to write this down and let you know about it. It is also because I couldn't talk to you today. I went through lot of thinking since you left…

I hope I did not act in a bad way yesterday. I wanted to see you again today as will want to see you tomorrow and so on. I only know that I will unfortunately have to leave on Saturday also and that I will have to wait for some time to have the chance to see you again. That is what makes all these feelings so….unreasonable… but that is certainly what makes them so strong also.

You apparently know how to deal with this kind of situation. I am less thoughtful and I just think that it is not fair and that I want to be able to let these feelings express themselves no wonder what comes in the following days, weeks and months. As I told you already I like to seize opportunities to be happy (for a moment) when it's possible (and I hell I was happy last night with you!). But I also know I am not showing you the respect you deserve while I am acting this.

I look forward to meet you on thursday night or on Friday night, or on both of them if you want to. You tell me Pink Panther! Ok?

Have a nice day,

*someone in France