Sometimes I don't recognize who the hell I am...

Feeling happy while my parents aren't,
Feeling lonely while everyone looking at me,
Feeling needy when every things there in front of me,

Feeling strong when God giving punishments,
Feeling weak when God giving His blesses...

Those contradictive and opposite feelings always made me re-thinking whats wrong with me.

And there's one of the most unanswered questions in my life.
It is ; why I feel my mind and body so 'dirty', when everytime I just came back from following my heart's words?